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Ambivert

I've always thought that I'm an ambivert.

    This is not without a reason. My mother used to tell me that I was a joyful kid; but, that only lasted till elementary school. She noticed something different from me then. Right now, in my 20s, I don't even feel like going out. I feel more alive when I watch movies, writing things down, read some books that I never got to finish, play games because it's sometimes therapeutic; just mindlessly spend the hours and days in front of my PC or contemplating life while laying down in my bed.

    The first time I came across the word ambivert was during my early years of college. Way back before that, I consider myself an introvert. This is because once I'm home or my school/class ends, I just want to go home and have some peace in my room. Vibe to my music alone, singing and dancing just for the h*ll of it. Back in high school, I barely ever go to a party or anything related to it since there were so many invitations and events to go to. Most of them were music festivals or youth activities and such. I mean, I did go to several music and anime festivals and join the scout boys in junior and senior high school. Even got into the "Pasukan Khusus", much like "Special Force" for it. It's for the chosen student to represent the school in a contest. There must be a lot of fun, right? Indeed there were. I like to meet my friends and work together. But, there's a limit to it. One afternoon, during our preparation for a contest in junior high school, we had a break time. Some people went to the cafeteria to grab some beverages. Others were just staring at the sunset as the day went by. Me? I ran away and hid myself behind the field's wall. I sat there and started to rap to a Japanese song that I just memorized the night before. It felt so good. The good thing is, I didn't run for a long time so there was still enough break time for me to go back with others. The point is: I had to do it. For the sake of my sanity, I guess. Now that I think about it, I feel like a junkist begging for the love of my life for the next dopamine hit. LOL. Maybe I did need the dopamine. I mean, it's what it's all about, right? That's what sugar does to us. Movies. Entertainment. Laughs. It makes us feel a little "alright".

    I never hated to go out, even when what people these day and age would call as "social battery" is about to run out. It'd only feel like I'm about to pass out. That's what it feels like to be me. Although, I don't ever hesitate to say no to an invitation, or when somebody asks me to go out with them. I don't feel bad. Rather be like this than me being a total j*rk during the event/activity. But, when I do say yes, I try not to exhaust myself. Not ever. That one time I did was the worst time ever, and I would never do such thing again. I don't really remember what pissed me off. But, throughout the day, even the following weeks, I put a "f*ck you" face to everybody. Literally E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. Obviously not my mom and dad since they're away. It was fun. But, only to a certain point. I decided to put that out and tried to come up to each person that I might have made them upset, and the rest was history...

    Again, this is all only my interpretations based merely on surfing the web and through social interactions. I never got the chance to see a professional care for this stuff. It's another world for me that I just couldn't understand it by myself. I really need to speak to an expert; maybe a psychiatrist, or a psychologist, just to get a grasp or a rough idea on what is going on with me. I'd say, most of my 24 hours a day and 7 days a week I spend my life alone, like completely alone. Even when I used to live together and shared a room with a roommate, I would wear my headphone and listen to a music of my appetite. But, then again, I always get the same kind of vibe roommate, so they would just do the exact same thing as me. LOL. Oh well. Just try to stay alive first. *wink wink*

Adios!
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